Compatibility in sex is a matter of utmost importance for any couple. This topic is particularly relevant during the period when partners already have little sexual experience or start living together as well as when they start thinking about marriage. Moreover, sometimes, this problem can arise only in a few months or years after the start of sexual relations with a partner because the sexual temper manifests itself fully when people aren’t influenced by raging hormones, and the first passionate sexual storm calms down. When partners have mismatched libidos, and they are not ready to meet this challenge, sometimes, it is more reasonable to break up. However, sometimes doesn’t mean always, and people with different libidos can still be happy together. Lets’ take a closer look at this issue.
Mismatched libidos in a couple: causes and outcomes
At the beginning of the relationship, it was not so noticeable that you have mismatched libidos, but over time, it became obvious: your partner needs much more sex than you do. It is sad. The partner is forced to insist and as a result, they feel like they are scrounging. They take your refuse personally and draw wrong conclusions. In their opinion, your refuse means that you don’t love them anymore. On the other side, constant pressure upsets you, and the feeling of guilt is gradually replaced with irritation, you believe that your partner doesn’t want to take into account your own needs.
You have physiological differences
The key to any good relationship is the ability to talk and find a compromise. Assure the partner that you love them, appreciate and want. However, if they are ready to make love eight days out of seven, and you need only one sexual intercourse a week, then you should do that two or three times a week.
Psychologists suggest men sublimate sexual energy. This can be any activity that gives pleasure, starting with sports and music to chopping wood. Sex therapists offer partners to reconsider the approach to sex. People are used to believing that sexual desire should be spontaneous. You come, you see, you want. However, you should intentionally create situations that cause excitement. Kisses, massage, joint shower in the morning and watching erotic movies in the evening as well as sharing erotic fantasies will not necessarily lead to sex, but the more you think about it, the sooner you feel the desire. A good idea might be the setting of the sex schedule. Sexologists believe that it is a great way to turn on and get pleasure even if you don’t feel much excitement at first. Scientists have named more than 111 factors that affect libido, so cease to think that it’s easy.
You have mismatched libidos due to temporary setbacks
If you always have almost the same types of libidos, but one day you understand that you are one of the couples with mismatched libidos, then it is necessary to find out the root cause and try to cope with this issue.
1. Ongoing conflict. For example, a husband makes playful hints and shares far-reaching plans for the coming evening. At the same time, his wife thinks about photos from the company party, which she got from an anonym several days ago. The pictures show that the husband is not so faithful as she thought before. She knows that if she asks him, “Why did you cuddle the blonde? And what did you whisper in her ear?” he will immediately start screaming about groundless jealousy. Therefore, the woman is angry and silent, and she does not want to have sex. Big and small offenses, misunderstanding, quarrels can completely kill the sexual drive. Outcome. Problems must be discussed. If you constantly swallow your pride trying to preserve peace in the family, then a flat calm will reign not only in the house but also in your bedroom.
2. Chronic fatigue and stress. Constant stress can be caused by work, household issues, children, parents as well as by many other things, which make you start dreaming only of sleep. You are so tired that you decide to think about sex later when all problems will be solved. Outcome. How to deal with mismatched libidos? In an ideal world, people hire a housekeeper and go to the Dominican Republic. In real life, you can only let things go and delegate. For example, one of the partners can walk the dog and wash the dishes while the other partner will do mathematics with the kid and have a rest. Besides, don’t forget that the peak of a sexual drive for women occurs during the period of ovulation.
3. Illness and medication. Depression, gynecological diseases, urinary tract diseases, or problems with the endocrine system may severely affect libido. Look at the medicines you take: contraceptives, antidepressants, drugs for normalizing blood pressure also affect excitement. Outcome. How to cope with different libidos in such a situation? You should definitely visit a doctor. Only professionals can correctly identify the problem and find a treatment. Feel free to talk about intimate topics, “When I started taking N, I lost my sex drive.” According to a joint study of Australian and American scientists, 36% of men and 27% of women will break up with a partner if they have different libidos in a relationship.
4. Hormonal disorders. The level of libido depends largely on the level of testosterone and estrogen. It is believed that women have the peak of the sexual drive after 30, then there is a gradual decline. However, hormonal imbalance can happen at any age. The time of increased risk is childbirth and menopause. Talking about men, the situation is almost the same.
Outcome. If it is about hormonal imbalance, then most likely, a loss of libido is not the only symptom. Fatigue, irritability, insomnia, headaches, blood pressure surges, sudden weight changes, problems with skin and hair are only a part of difficulties you may face. So, it’s best not to delay visiting a doctor. Besides, don’t forget to mention decreased libido as one of the symptoms.
Can a relationship work if partners have different libidos?
In general, libido isn’t the constant, and it can change over time for various reasons. Some of the main factors, which can affect libido and your sexual life, have already been mentioned above. It’s not worth worrying about having different libidos in marriage. According to the results of a study conducted in 2015, 80% of couples affirmed mismatched libidos relationships. As a rule, when people complain that they are one of the couples with mismatched libidos and assess this factor as the main reason for breaking up, this means that they have found an excellent reason to leave. If there is a desire to be together, then there will be a joint readiness to work on achieving harmony or the ability to compensate for disharmony. Otherwise, it’s not about disharmony as such, but about the lack of desire to be together.
Is it always about mismatched libidos?
It is not about mismatched libidos if one of the partners has sexual needs, which are not satisfied by the other partner due to disgust, religious or cultural taboos as well as some other reasons. For example, a man says that he likes rough sex with sadomasochistic role-playing games, while a woman wants gentle and careful sexual intercourse, and rough sex is unacceptable to her. Then, if a man demands to overcome her desires and give him what he wants, it will be violence.
Women often make sacrifices if they are afraid of losing a man, but she must do that consciously. Nonetheless, often, when one partner succumbs to the desires of the other one against their will, this leads to even greater disharmony in the relationship. So, in the case of a fundamental discrepancy between sexual scenarios, it is incorrect to assume that partners have mismatched libidos. It is about the overstated claims, which the partner does not have the desire and ability to satisfy without self-destruction. In this case, it is better to break up and find a partner who will support this sexual scenario and will consider it acceptable.
At the same time, any difference in libidos can be compensated if both partners are ready to make efforts. The best test of a theory is practice. If a person has an increased libido and the demand for sex is very big, then the deficit will naturally lead to an accumulation of the problem. This disharmony will become more obvious if you ignore mismatched libidos advice.
Mismatched libidos advice
If you love each other, but your libidos do not coincide, and one of you constantly wants sex, while another one is looking for a new reason for the refusal, it’s high time to calm down and reflect on how to find a compromise. Many couples face this challenge, but they still meet it, using the following advice.
1. To have sex on a schedule is not so boring as it may seem. You can agree to have sex on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays as if it is a yoga class or a planned shopping trip. It may seem boring, but in fact, it helps get a necessary vibe. There are no surprises and spontaneity, but there are no quibbles, offenses, and unjustified expectations as well. Not everyone is excited about the idea of bringing a “planned economy” into this intimate sphere, but if the problem of mismatched libidos is relevant, then perhaps, it’s worth a try.
2. The refusal of your partner isn’t always personal. Of course, the point may be that you have quarreled, that you are angry at each other, and you have problems. It may not be too. Your partner probably just doesn't want to have sex. Some people, whose libido is much more increased admit that it was not easy for them to learn not to take the partner’s rejection personally. Nonetheless, when they managed to do that, it helped improve their relationships. Sometimes, your partner doesn’t alienate you, they just don’t have the same need in sex as you do. You should try to show each other your care and affection in other areas of the relationship as well.
3. Don’t ignore masturbation. If the partner cannot sufficiently give you what you need, take everything into your own hands. Literally.
4. Be ready to carpe diem and get pleasure from what they can give you. If you want to be involved in a hot sexual intercourse, but your partner is ready only to give you, for example, oral pleasure, don’t refuse. If you have mismatched libidos, you should learn to look for a compromise and agree that oral caresses can be a way out. This will also give you some pleasure and so to speak relief, so you should be glad about this. After all, your partner does it specifically to make you happy because they care.
5. If you need to change something, tell about that. If one of you feels that you need sex more or less often than it happens between you, or you want something else from your partner, do not be silent. Only frankness can be the starting point for dealing with the problem and bring harmony to the relationship.