Is Jealousy Healthy in a Relationship? Top Signs When It's Not
Confidence between people is a prerequisite for building relationships. Some people, despite the trust, are a little jealous, but this does not cause much discomfort. But what about cases when jealousy is very unhealthy? What about healthy jealousy? Today we will talk about just that. We will find answers to the following questions, “What is jealousy a sign of?” “Is jealousy healthy in a relationship?” “Is jealousy normal?” and list some jealous relationship quotes, and much much more.
Let’s start with, "What is jealousy in a relationship? When does it appear in relationships?"
When Does the Jealousy Appear in Relationships?
Is jealousy a sign of love? The causes and motives of jealousy can stem both from childhood experiences of the personality and their psychological characteristics (for example, narcissistic personality disorders), and life situations: existential manifestations associated with isolation and fear of loneliness, or with injustice and infidelity in the past, or with fear of loss of material factor a. The causes of this feeling can be both unconscious and conscious.
Most often, a serious age difference is always a good reason for jealousy. If one of the partners is older than the other, a physiological leap begins to occur over time, which leads to a qualitative difference in the assessment of relationships, and it gives rise to inequality, which leads to a decrease in self-esteem. As a result, this causes suspicion and fear of losing a partner. There is the concept of “jealousy of a cheater,” the motive of which is a distracting maneuver to conceal their infidelity. Usually, this kind of cheater is in constant stress from their lies, so they often plague their partner with jealousy. On the one hand, they try to hide the deception and their adventures on the side, on the other hand, they are tormented by doubts about their partner’s fidelity - maybe they also cheat on the cheater?
Thus, to conceal their infidelity, they choose the style of jealous terror in relationships for psychological control and manipulation of the partner’s vigilance.
So, the causes of jealousy can be:
- Inadequate self-esteem, self-doubt;
- Neurotic personality disorders, inferiority complex;
- Jealousy of a traitor for self-defense;
- Age crisis;
- Provocative games, flirting;
- Injuries from past relationships.
Is Female Jealousy a Sign of Love?
Many people think that if a person is not jealous of a partner, then they do not love them. But family psychologists say that jealousy is not a sign of love, and there is no place for jealousy in a relationship based on love. Let's see why jealousy appears and whether it has nothing to do with love.
Jealousy is a thirst for possession
There is a category of people who, for many reasons (difficult childhood, psychological trauma), are neither independent nor self-sufficient. Such people are very afraid of loneliness. They do not know how to be happy alone. Therefore, they "stick" to another person in the hope that they will make them happy. And if the relationship between a man and a woman is built on such fear (sometimes even unknowingly), then jealousy cannot be avoided. Any contact with the opposite sex will be perceived as a threat - a threat that the partner will be taken away. But this cannot be allowed because it will lead again to loneliness and, accordingly, sufferings. You can hardly talk about love here. Rather, about addiction. If this is what you feel, then you should stop your current relationships and meet ladies online. And if you move on and meet someone new, but you suddenly realize that she misses you, she wants you back – don’t believe for a second that all the troubles will disappear and they will change for the best. You will face the same issues and battle the same demons.
Jealousy - fear of being fools
Or the fear of being humiliated and ridiculed. It also has nothing to do with love. The partner, in fact, does not care that the spouse experiences feelings for the other. But a person literally goes crazy at the thought that they are laughing at them. Moreover, such jealousy is far from always justified. In the inflamed brain of a pathological jealous, a picture of treason is drawn in all colors and laughter of traitors over a cuckold is heard in the ears - this is impossible to bear! As a result, this leads to unbearable scenes of jealousy. Even if there is no reason for them. In such relationships, a glimpse of the opposite sex will be punished.
Jealousy is a sign of distrust
Family relationships should be built on mutual trust. Otherwise, there can be no peace in the family and, as a result, love, and happiness. If the partner did not give a reason for distrust, but the spouse still does not trust and is jealous, then the matter is in the second. Most likely, the jealous is not confident in themselves, and maybe the two previous points have a place to be. In any case, where there is mistrust, there is no room for love.
Thus, to argue that jealousy is a sign of love is wrong. In a healthy mature relationship between man and woman, there will be no room for mistrust, surveillance, and jealousy scenes. In such couples, communication with the opposite sex is not perceived painfully, and it does not lead to hysterical showdowns. If you notice that you are prone to jealousy, then do not rush to enter a relationship, but first work on yourself - prepare the way for future relationships built on trust and freedom.
Now let’s look into the signs of jealousy that is rather unhealthy.
7 Signs of Totally Unhealthy Jealousy
You can identify unhealthy jealousy by the following elements of behavior.
1. Exercise control over partner and people next to the partner
Is jealousy healthy in a relationship? Not when you are being monitored and spied at every turn. You can notice your partner browsing your phone, your contacts, pages on the Internet, your things. Sometimes this is manifested not only with checking the pockets but also looking through your personal belongings, etc. People near you should be checked and approved by the partner, and they should be recognized by them as trustworthy.
In fact, for each couple, the question with whom they communicate can be relevant and important. Often friends are a stumbling block in a relationship. However, in a situation with dangerous jealousy involved, the differences are that the circle of your friends should be, as a rule, very narrow, since a small number of people is easier to control. Everyone with whom you communicate must be verified and approved. If this doesn’t suit you, you should immediately break off all relations with such a jealous person.
2. Taking control of their actions
Control of movement is manifested in the fact that your partner constantly requires a report on where you are and what you are doing. The partner requires you to speak the entire travel route: when you leave the house, when you get to the underground station or get into transport, when you go to the store or get out, etc. The number of calls can be very big. And you are required to always be in touch.
3. An inadequate reaction to events, actions
For example, if your phone is off, you are not available, do not answer, it can be regarded as sabotage, serious misconduct, infidelity or disrespect for a jealous person. In the same way, your communication with a person who does not like a jealous person, or just any communication with a representative of the opposite sex, can be regarded. Dangerous zealots do not understand humor and flirtation, and always interpret everything in favor of your dishonesty. If you are trying to prove their innocence to them in response to the accusations on their part, they believe that the innocent will not make excuses. If you refuse to explain your behavior, they believe that you have something to hide.
4. Setting up unusual requirements
Is jealousy healthy? Not when you encounter unreasonable requirements from your partner. A jealous person may demand you to prove a lack of sympathy for any person, sharply refuse to communicate with you. For you to break off relations with a person who does not like them, they may require you to change the SIM card on the phone, insult this person, etc. The jealous person often also takes part in breaking up your relationship with someone - relatives or friends. They can start a scandal, rekindle a conflict by making a mountain of a molehill, and point out the door to other people, “protecting” you or your relationship.
5. The demand for love, fidelity, and obligations
Jealous requires you to take vows of love and fidelity, evidence of love for them and guarantees. And it never really ends, they never feel satisfied. Demanding guarantees, the jealous believes at the same time that any obligation or oath can be violated, any guarantee can be circumvented. Regular oaths, in this case, do not turn into a love ritual but into another form of control.
6. The manifestation of uncontrolled attacks of rage, mood swings
The jealous is prone to sharp and vivid bouts of anger. Anger can be affective, uncontrollable and accompanied by violence, physical and/or emotional (insult, humiliation, screaming, beating dishes, etc.). Sometimes a jealous person falls from one extreme to another: they go from anger to humiliating pleas for love and forgiveness of their furious behavior.
7. Unmasking and punishing
The system of moral values of the jealous is such that the actions (or inaction) of the partner is a crime or serious moral misconduct. And crimes and misconduct must be punished. In this regard, a jealous person constantly points at your guilt, administers justice, and it is all presented as a lesson to you. Their actions are refusal to talk or give money, etc. - caused not so much by insult and pain as by anger and desire to punish.
This clearly shows a higher position of the jealous towards you. A characteristic feature in a relationship with a dangerous jealous person is a woman's feeling of being a "little girl" and constantly guilty, forced to ask for forgiveness, correct themselves, work on themselves for the sake of a relationship. These were signs of unhealthy jealousy, let’s now move on to something more positive.
How Does Healthy Jealousy Look Like in a Relationship?
Let’s talk about healthy jealousy. What are the healthy signs of jealousy in a relationship?
Jealousy is almost forbidden today. At best, it is a manifestation of bad taste. Those who talk about it always speak in the past tense. They were jealous, but now it has passed.
“When I began to follow the woman I loved, I kept asking myself if I was going crazy? - recalls 49-year-old Ronald. - One evening, her phone rang on the table, and I saw that a very tender message appeared on it, signed by the name of the bastard, who, as I saw, was spinning around Marina at several social receptions. A cold rage swept through me. That evening I demanded an explanation from her. She admitted that she flirted with them but nothing more. Suspicions did not leave me. I went very far. As soon as she left the room, I looked through her messages, then hacked into the mailbox. Their romance continued. One Saturday morning, she told me that she was going to the hairdresser. I followed her in complete confidence that she would go to her lover. The barbershop was closed. "She turned back, and I had to hide so that she would not notice me." But the story did not end there. One evening, Ronald found a letter on the computer in which Marina made an appointment with the same man. When she returned, he demanded that she never meet his rival again. “She had a frightened look. The next day, when scrolling through her mail, I saw that she canceled the date." This story was over, and with it, says Ronald, did his jealousy.
In most cases, bursts of jealousy are neither delirium nor hallucination. Rather, on the contrary, it is a clarification of consciousness, a sign of the penetration of reality into love obscurity. A random letter, a telephone conversation or a message suddenly arouses doubt, breaks the illusion that we are the only object of the partner’s desire. “Jealousy shows the failure of the belief that they love us just like that,” explains psychoanalyst Roland Gori. “It makes us doubt that we can be everything to the partner, as they are everything to us.” This is a saving feeling because it protects against narcissism. And sometimes it takes on a paranoid form.” It dispels the fantasy that two can become one. It reminds us of the existence of other people. In contrast to vanity and complacency, it brings to light doubts, vulnerability, and hurts pride. That's why jealousy does not have the best reputation, it is considered shameful and even “obscene,” says writer Julia Siss: it breaks the illusions of a modern person, “swelling with pride, in a word - arrogant.”
Julia Siss calls this all-consuming jealousy “erotic jealousy” and recalls that in ancient Greece, it was considered “a noble passion worthy of gods, warriors, and queens.” What do we demand from a jealous person? Calmness, self-control. But love and tranquility are incompatible. And attempts to ignore it are futile. “By suppressing jealousy in yourself, you cannot cope with it because jealousy is a symptom, not a cause,” remarks the gestalt therapist Eric Warenheim. “It's as if you were suppressing the temperature, instead of treating the disease.”
“Jealousy shifts the focus of attention to a partner, it dispels the fantasy that two can become one.” When the voice that excites us becomes velvet for someone else, the pain is so great that if we do not calm it down, we can end up throwing plates at each other. It’s better to whisper in your beloved’s ear something on the lines of, “Yes, I’m jealous, please don’t stare at all the women walking along the street. It hurts me.”
Jessica, 35, admits that she is worried if she does not feel any jealousy, “I ask myself if I really love. I need to make sure that the man I want is worthy of desire: when I feel that beautiful, effective women are looking at them, I am overwhelmed with rage and lust.” Her current partner, in her opinion, is too loyal to her and absorbed in his work. She does not feel that other women are attracted to her man and complains that their relationship has become too bland.
How to Fight Toxic Jealousy in Your Partner
What to do if the partner is too jealous:
- Never flirt in their presence with other men, try not to meet alone with a man, even at work.
- Always answer phone calls, messages of a loved one.
- Reassure them in every way, proving that it makes no sense to worry.
- Monitor your telephone conversations with colleagues and acquaintances, control personal correspondence so that the chosen one does not have a reason to be jealous.
- You should neither turn off the phone nor disappear even for a while after a quarrel.
- Always inform the soulmate of your plans for the near future.
The best option is to discuss the problem with your loved one, explaining that they are irrational in their behavior. In some cases, men are so jealous that they allow themselves to raise their hand on their women. As a result, a woman has to endure beatings, and this should never be done. It does not hurt to turn to a family psychologist, and if there is no hope for a change in relationship, then it is better to part with such a person to avoid the irreparable.